I did it. I went back to work. I visited a few days prior to get the awkward part out of the way. But after I dropped the kids off at school on Thursday, I was all alone in the car. Alone in my thoughts and my feels. So I walked in a Hot Mess.
My locker had been decorated to encourage me through my day. My coworkers hugged me. I got a cupcake (Lawd knows I needed it)!
Our middle school students had turned over completely. There were a few I knew from other times. But our high school students had written me letters and cards and were full of hugs and actually questioned how I am and how my family is. I could honestly tell them it’s all stupid and they responded in wonderful ways. They know it stinks and it’s hard right now. That group doesn’t know about my other two major losses and the miscarriages. Sometimes maybe it leaves an imprint on other people that causes emotional pain. That’s difficult because then I have to hold them up when I can barely hold up this body. But that didn’t happen. They held my spirit up.
This feels so profound. Students know how to take care of me. Just some little teacher type person. They genuinely know how to care. I think they know because they’ve been through stuff themselves. They can relate. They can relate to me and I can relate to them.
We lose some of that when we work in education. We lose that time that is so desperately needed to connect with these kids. These are the ones who will be taking care of us here in the next several decades. I love my job because they feed me as much as we (hopefully) feed them. I adore alternative education as much for me as I do for them. I’ve missed them. Walking through the larger school, I was stopped or called to by former students, an administrator, IA’s/paraprofessionals, one of our nutrition ladies (mom of a friend from high school), a parent looking for directions to the office, and some of our Special Education students who make my heart swell with joy whenever we meet. Aside from the lost parent, I got huge hugs and “I love you”s.
There are these glances at my belly which is just some flab again. I would look, too. He’s gone. He’s really gone. I no longer feel those kicks from the inside, but I sure feel those hugs on the outside.
And so grateful, I am!
That is my team.
That is my village.
That is my tribe.
And of course you guys!
Love until later,
Heidi
xoxox
heidi4ever
Love until later 