Love until later

all of it

Stages 03/18/2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — heidi4ever @ 1:38 pm

First, I can’t believe I have a 17 year old. I mean…still letting that one sink in.

Next, I have always found behaviors to be interesting. Mine included. I have moved through stages of grief at different times. It’s possible I accepted Jeremiah’s death at an early time because I was forced into grieving the loss of Madeline. It’s possible that due to the nature of her death vs. his death, I struggle moving through at the same pace. I am so traumatized by some events that happened with my first husband that I still have anxiety and flashbacks that take over at times. It doesn’t happen very often, but occasionally there are triggers. I’m ok with it. I mean, not fun to go through it, but it’s not taking over my life.

I find myself at a different place this year. Physically I am living in a different city. This is new. But I’m ok. I’m actually ok. I don’t long to go to his cemetery because of who else has a stone nearby. Again, physically…I am a few states away from him. The more “days” I experience, the more I realize I have to give up “days” for other things. What I know is that nothing is more important to me than my family, and I have my husfriend and two of my kids with me. They are my home. It’s not about being near a place. It’s about being with what I’ve got. I am so happy with what I’ve got, which I think has propelled me into a new stage of life.

Not that I’ve ever really spent a whole lot of time being unhappy. I’ve had my moments. But now I have thoughts at the front of my mind that kind of overtake all of that which I have survived. Grief in the beginning is so raw. I know people who are surviving their first days and months of having lost a child and I don’t even know what to say to help another human survive those times. It sucks. It is hard. It’s hard to be the one left with memories, nothing more. But on the other hand, the longer I go without my kids, the harder it is to remember them. So in some ways, I envy that raw grief, and allow it whenever it chases me down.

I have to give a shout out to my husfriend, Batman. He has taught me that I deserve to be loved in the way I love my children and the way my family loves me. It’s an honest love and an unconditional love. I see him trying to figure me out. He yearns to learn me because I matter to him. And what he cannot figure out, he loves anyway. I love the love with which he showers me. He keeps me in the now and he walks with me, forward. He’s also good at standing still with me during those moments I cannot propel. I’ve never had a love which equals my love for my children. That’s pretty incredible, and everything to do with where I am. Where we are.

Seventeen years ago I experienced so many parental emotions all in one day. What I have on my mind today is how young I was to have to make the choices I had to on this day in 1999. I think I made the appropriate choice, but it didn’t feel like a choice at all. I had to sign the papers to remove my child from life support. I was 19 years old at the time. He was 11 days old. It was a whirlwind and I couldn’t keep up. I’m happy to no longer feel like I’m just trying to stay afloat.

Never getting over.

Moving through.

Love until later,
Heidi
xoxox

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