I could sit here and eat all of this chocolate peanut butter. I could bypass the venti and go for the trenta. I could wear two boyfriend sweatshirts instead of just one. I could eat more potatoes. I could add bubbles to the bath. I could refill my wine glass, but the flashbacks will still find me. Eleven years and they still catch up to me. It comes down to the fact that I am not in control and that is hard.
Life sure is funny that way. Every day of my Mom life I have been schooled on control. When nothing goes as planned, I tend to go overboard controlling what I can. When I feel chaos around me, I feel as though I have lost control. I don’t really know if I was like that “before” or only since “then”.
This year is weird in that October 17th fell on a Friday. This was the last time I saw her alive. On a Friday. I dropped her off at about 4:30 in the afternoon with her grandma, and she hobbled up the ramp on her cast to her grandma’s front door, barely looking back for an, “I love you, Mommy!” My little girl, charging ahead.
I sit here now thinking about my thirteen year old daughter that I don’t see in the physical sense, but I do see every day in the hearts and eyes of my living children. The Big Awesome has a sweetness in him that reminds me of my Maddie. He has empathy and compassion toward those who have hurt in them. The Kidlet has the joy and innocence that Mad had, despite coming into her diva school days. There is light that burns in them and I saw it in her, too. There is spirit in them and I felt it in her, too. Yes, I have raised them, but they do this without me. I have no control over what goes on in their minds or the words that come out of their mouths (especially that Kidlet).
The farther away each day gets, the more I forget. If I could feel just one thing, it would be those arms wrapped around my neck in the biggest Maddie hug she could muster. If I could smell just one thing, it would be the back of her neck after a bath. If I could touch just one thing, it would be those cheeks on her face. If I could absorb one thing it would be a little bit of her soul. If I could hear one thing it would be her laugh. If I could keep one thing it would be that innocence.
If I could give her something, it would be the knowledge that she is looked up to as a big sister. She is missed by people who never met her (and those who did) and she lives quietly in the hearts of so many people. Her story is incredible, and I could not be more proud to be called Madeline’s Mom. I have no control over what happened to her young life, but I have control over how I live mine. I feel that my life is lived with joy because that is entirely what she brought to me.
So thankful for my support system who is checking in on me one by one as I write this, sending hugs and love and reminding me that I am not alone, despite the loneliness I feel as the minutes countdown to one of the crappiest anniversaries a person can have. Tonight, I give up control and allow my wall to come down a little bit so that I can let some of her escape me.
My girl, my love, my Maddie,
You are loved.
Love until later,
Mom
Madeline and Jeremiah’s story can be found here:
http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=6240
heidi4ever
Love until later 
Strength and courage. Strength and courage. Strength and courage. Know that you are being held up today with prayers from strangers and from the angels. Know that you are being sent encouragement in the face of the unthinkable. Know that your story, Maddie’s story, are woven into my heart today and moving forward. I will continue to pray for you….. to keep putting one foot in front of the other, breathing in and breathing out and writing.
You are not alone. I am wishing you well as you see the colors of the season. Know that the very heavens above shower you with care in the face and depth of your loss.